Review: G.I. Joe

Army of None

Well, I thought there weren't anymore things that I could blame the Transformers franchise for. There was already reviving the career of hack filmmaker Michael Bay, the degrading of the once respectable star power of Jon Voight, making Megan Fox believe that people were actually interested in hearing her thoughts, and, of course, giving us the absolutely horrible Transformers sequel. But perhaps the greatest damage this franchise has done is giving Hollywood the okay to sign onto more films based on a line of toys, as if this is the latest, greatest medium to adapt into a feature length film. This film seems to be the first casualty of this new wave of toys to film, and I pray that it remains the last effort.

The elite fighting force known as G.I. Joe was originally a purely American team. Not so now, as the unit is an internationally comprised league of super men and women who fight against global tyranny. Channing Tatum and Marlon Waynes are the two newest recruits to G.I. Joe which is overseen by General Hawk (Dennis Quaid). The "Joes" are in a race with an evil conglomerate that holds technology to antagonizing microbots that can destroy cities in large amounts. The group behind this eventually becomes the infamous arch enemy Cobra (whose Commander will be Joseph Gordon-Levitt).

Now, you probably know that this is going to be a bad movie, but you cannot imagine how far below your expectations this will fall. First off, you'll notice that what these people are saying is horrific. The script feels like it could have been written by fourth graders because it is that bad. But the writing is not just bad; it's lazy. Every scene, every plot twist, every line of dialogue feels so forced and predictable that all of it becomes an effort to make sure not a single neuron in your brain fires at any point. The exposition is laid out by in long breaths and the dialogue is just corny, not to mention the script containing so many retrospective flashbacks that hit an uneven tone. Stuart Beattie can create great conversational dialogue (like in Collateral) but he does his career a great disservice.

Same goes to director Stephen Sommers. Some of his career has been on the same road of Michael Bay as his films generally aren't highly praised nor are they gigantic grossers. However, I thoroughly enjoyed his remake of The Mummy, and I proudly file Deep Rising and Van Helsing under guilty pleasures. But the great action scenes in those films work because Sommers finds a way still identify with the characters in battle, so we can feel for their plight amongst the explosions and swinging swords. He never lets those moments in here, and every action set piece is just an exercise in nauseating camera work, disorienting editing marks, and a numbing sound effects track that tries to give Transformers 2 a run for its money. There's one fight scene between two kids that Sommers stages very well, but it's about the only one to cling to.

I tried to stick up for Tatum in Fighting a couple months ago, but now I contend that he really is a bad actor. There is not an ounce of believability to his character as he delivers every line either like he's auditioning for a middle school play or playing a combat video game. Wanes does deliver a few laughs here and there and tries to bring the likability of this movie up a bit (making this one of the few movies that actually is improved by a Waynes credit). Still, Quaid is so serious work here that he never looks like he's having fun, which automatically transports him into the wrong movie. Sienna Miller shows up as a baddie, but she's as lame, half baked and forgettable as much as the rest of the G.I. Joe team, which, by the way, includes a cameo by Brendan Fraser that will immediately make you ask yourself, "What the hell is Brendan Fraser doing in this movie?"

Then, there's Gordon-Levitt, who finally gave a performance I didn't like. Not only is his role significantly small, but he's saddled with a distractingly bad voice that sounds like Dr. Claw from the Inspector Gadget cartoons and the film's absolutely worst dialogue. In fact, when you look at him, he comes off less as a frightful baddie but more like a cross between Darth Vader and Mr. Peanut. To be fair, it isn't totally his fault as it is a character that is more horribly written than horribly performed, but he's too good an actor to have one of the cheesiest movie villains around. If you decide to watch this movie, immediately seek out Brick and (500) Days of Summer so you can see his talent used in full effect.

But hopefully you won't have to suffer through this movie, which at its best plays like a bad Saturday morning cartoon. I also don't want to give the impression that this is one of those movies that's so bad it's good, because that would be an insult to movies like Never Back Down. This film takes itself too seriously to become a campy pleasure, but its also too silly for it to be seen as a legitimate action picture. The shallow acting and flat direction drag the movie down, but it's that incredibly lazy, predictable, uninspired, unoriginal, amateurish, undeveloped script that puts the heaviest nail in the coffin. Move over Bruno, because I've found not only the worst film so far this year, but the worst I've seen in a long while. Well, maybe until Hot Wheels comes out, and I wish I was joking about that project. 1/2* / ****; GRADE: D-